Glass Half Empty
July 22, 2009
For the longest time I’ve always held firmly the belief that people should be on the outside who they are on the inside. And that things done simply to be polite, or to fit in, or to gain favor is no better than lying. This is not to say that I don’t do such thing (just like I can’t say that I never lie). However, I do always feel guilty about it, and I actively avoid it whenever it’s possible. While I don’t really believe that society can survive without people being tactful, I do believe that interpersonal relationships can get by just fine without it.
Lately, however, I’ve been slowly coming to the realization that maybe I’m wrong. Not in regards to my negative perception of pleasantries and niceties, but rather in my belief that the truth is actually something people want. I don’t know if it’s because of childhood bedtime stores, or just the media in general, but in my mind the truth has always been idealized. I was raised with the idea that honesty is always the best, and falsehood and deceit are the ways of the devil. The truth is something that is very ingrained into our concept of morality. But what if it is only that? What if it just an ideal passed on from generation to generation until it has simply become something our society take for granted as important? Is there actually a reason we place such great value on it?
It seems to me that there is a clear trend for society to lean towards the comfort of a lie over the truth, as long as the lie is inconsequential. As long as the deception doesn’t result in someone getting hurt, or something breaking or failing or losing money, then as a society we love to embrace it. It’s why we pretend to be interested in people we couldn’t care less about. It’s why we show respect and courtesy to people that don’t deserve it. It explains the pleasantries, the white lies, and the “No, you don’t look like an elephant in those jeans.” It’s why we have so many religions. As long as we can keep it up and nobody gets hurt, then deception goes from being the work of the devil to a necessary part of our society.
It’s odd that we’re constantly trying to obtain the ultimate truth, when in reality what we want is the ultimate lie. A lie that is everlasting, non-consequential and can make everyone feel good about themselves and everyone around them. Find something like that and world peace is just a short step behind.
July 23, 2009 at 9:15 am
Well now I feel kind of guilty…Min, you do look fat in those jeans.
I can sympathize with what you’re saying, but I don’t know if I would say that we’re all looking for the ultimate lie. It’s the small adjustments in behavior, actions, and the empty statements (that are made to sound true) that grease the wheels for more casual social interaction, but I don’t think that any meaningful relationship should have these things (aside from how she looks in those jeans). The casual stuff is mostly harmless, so long as it doesn’t get out of control.
July 23, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I am such a cow. =(
I accept that pleasantries are a necessary part of society. It’s just weird that we were raised on a generation of movies, books and Saturday morning cartoons about how we should be true to ourselves and be indifferent to how others judge you. But success as an adult is all about cowtowing to general appeal and presenting yourself in a way that fits in with the norm.
If the holy grail of friendships and relationships is to have people that you can relate to and will accept you for all your quirks and faults, then why do we start off every interaction so far from this goal?
Why is it that every time we meet someone, we indulge in a barrage of fake interest and insincere smiles? We all know that the ultimate decision on whether a connection between you and them will occur depends entirely on the very things we try to mask by being polite.
It’ll come out eventually, and if they are dealbreakers then everyone’s time just got wasted(and if they’re not, then why hide them in the first place?)
July 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I think that growing up in Mormon Utah exposed you to more intense moral imperatives for longer than most others.
There’s a sharp contrast between starting social interactions with intent to deceive and simply starting them intending to make someone feel comfortable. Social convention may not be right, from a strictly honest point of view, but, so long as you’re not trying to trick someone, I think it’s essentially harmless.
July 23, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I don’t know if it’s really a question of morality, but more to do with consistency and hypocrisy.
If you go up to someone and ask if they would prefer the truth or a lie(on any subject). I’d wager almost all of them would say “the truth,” without hesitation. But then we have whole books written on social etiquettes and polite things we should do or say regardless of the truth.
Like you say though, it mostly comes down to intention. If you’re lying out of good will, then it’s probably alright(as long as you don’t get caught).
I just find it weird that society idealizes the truth so much, when most of its unspoken rules are structured around hiding the negative stuff and faking the positive stuff.
July 24, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Min, interesting idea, but too much for me to just comment about. You’re going to become the inspiration for my whole blog.
July 25, 2009 at 6:55 pm
[...] Wei truth. July 25, 2009, 5:55 pm Filed under: Uncategorized Are we really looking for the ultimate lie? The kind of lie that won’t have any negative effects but will ease all our minds. Is the [...]
July 29, 2009 at 9:08 am
I think, perhaps, your mistake lies in considering politeness the same as a lie. While that is a technical truth (you engineer, you), it’s not really a connotative truth. A lie is a deliberate attempt to mislead someone. Politeness is how we keep the wheels of society greased. Look at it another way, when you wish someone to “have a good day” when you leave work, how powerfully do you wish that? Most of the time you’re just being nice. People like to think someone cares about them so you’ve helped increase camaraderie.
In the same way we pretend to be interested in stuff when we meet someone because you’d look like a jerk if you said, “I’m not interested in what you’re talking about. This is what I like…” Just think of it as how the freshman classes were the hardest classes. If you can survive the initial BS, you may be rewarded with someone who becomes a friend through a mutual interest you discover. But until you go through the BS you can’t discover that they are from Utah, or play the same games you do, or go to JHU, or….